


In a Jar, We Collect Them

by samarasharazi



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Angst and Feels, Comfort, Dissociation, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Square: Fireflies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-26
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:15:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27708884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/samarasharazi/pseuds/samarasharazi
Summary: Supposedly, the world was nice.But no world was nice without fireflies in them.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Comments: 2
Kudos: 31
Collections: THE COLLECTION





	In a Jar, We Collect Them

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone, this is my first fic for the dream lab bingo collection. I'm really excited because not only does it mark the END of my writing hiatus, but also the first fic that I've officially gotten beta'd!! Thank you so, so much to them, because now the fic's gone from horrible to just bad lmao.
> 
> Please don't forget to leave a kudos AND a comment, because it really makes my day :( Also my cc and Twitter are here for you as well! 
> 
> [my twitter](https://twitter.com/doiekookie)  
> [my curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/samarasharazi)
> 
> Lot's of love to everyone, and stay safe xxxx
> 
> TW// discussion of anxiety, depression and ocd

Sometimes, Mark wondered if it was right that some people got a better life than others. If some people were allowed to enjoy the finest things in life but only had to reach for them, and others had to wake up every morning wondering if they were going to be able to survive the whole day and then go to sleep wondering if they could survive the whole night.

He realised a long time ago that the world wasn’t fair for too many different reasons. 

A long time ago, Mark accepted the simple fact that there wasn’t anything he could possibly do so he just watched everything happen from afar and he held his breath, hoping that none of it would ever creep up to him.

Watching Donghyuck was like the same experience.

Every step going forward, Mark observed Donghyuck like he was a blooming flower, marvelled as a new petal dropped and fell. Crumpling with time and turning pale as it dried up. Withering.

A withering flower isn’t something Mark would call Donghyuck, but all those beautiful smiles that adorned his pretty face sat under those tired eyes. Even a withering flower can still be called beautiful.

But Donghyuck was so good at hiding _everything_ and it seemed no one else noticed, or liked to notice. 

These were the criminals in disguise.

“Want to hang out in the music hall?” Jaemin asked, addressing all of them. 

Mark looked up from his phone and focused on him.

“Who’s going to be there?”

That made Jaemin laugh, his muffin halfway to his mouth. His eyes crinkled like it was a funny joke that Mark himself didn’t understand, and he thought Jaemin’s eyes were pretty, but not as much as Donghyuck’s. Jeno nudged him in the ribs.

“Hyuck will be there,” Jaemin said. It made Mark a little anxious knowing how easy to read he seemed to be. “So don’t worry.”

Mark squirmed in his seat a little, digging himself further into his jacket. 

“I’m not worried,” he mumbled, but it was lost somewhere in the air. No one heard him. He stared back down at his almond croissant glumly, picking at the flaky pastry.

Twenty minutes later and the last lectures were finishing up, making the rest of them wander back down the corner, surpassing the busy pedestrian stops on the road, before they reached the university again. 

Ahead of him, Mark just watched silently as the rest of his friends talked and laughed about whatever. He didn’t bother to interfere with them.

Donghyuck and Yangyang were already there when they got to the music hall, occupying the nicer bean bags while they waited for the rest of them to arrive. Donghyuck only braved one glance Mark’s way when they all came towards them and sat down.

Renjun pulled a coke bottle from the bag sitting in his lap and opened it, offering some to Mark. He shook his head and sunk deeper into his beanbag. It was his favourite colour: electric blue.

There was a time in which he’d wanted to dye his hair that colour, way back in high school.

“Tough day?” Yangyang asked and everyone looked towards him. 

Jeno smiled the way he always did and nodded.

“Tough week.”

Donghyuck laughed, the sound resounding up into the high ceiling of the hall, and it sounded so bright and full of life. Mark frowned watching him lean forward.

“What does a P.E major struggle with so much that his week is ‘tough’?” he asked, and though he wasn’t trying to mock Jeno, his voice sounded a little too harsh for it to pass as a joke, which made everyone frown.

Jeno went to speak, but every time he opened his mouth, he closed it again. Bashfully, he looked Mark’s way, expecting him to say something instead. As always.

Mark wasn’t Donghyuck’s friend. He knew this. 

In fact, everyone knew this, and it made for plenty of teasing, so it wasn’t his place to call Donghyuck out, tell him that what he said wasn’t fair.

He remembered thinking about the fairness in the world, or the lack thereof. He knew what it looked like, sounded and felt like.

He told himself he was never going to touch, interact or take part in anything remotely unfair anymore.

As he went to say something, Renjun spoke up.

“Donghyuck…you can’t just say that,” he said, and he spoke softly, like he was cautious about something. Donghyuck looked at him with dead eyes. “Everyone’s allowed to announce their struggles, Jeno should be allowed to feel stress and pain too. He should be allowed to seek comfort too.”

Beside him, Jeno looked a little uncomfortable having his name being said out loud. Mark could legitimately feel his heartbeat fasten and so he looked to his friend as a way to comfort him. He smiled and tuned back to the conversation.

Donghyuck looked at Renjun, then to Jeno, ignoring the rest of them. Mark watched his hands scrunch up briefly on his lap before letting go and his body went loose like a spring.

Back to phase one.

Donghyuck relaxed, smiling back to the way he usually did, suddenly looking alive and bright again. “I forgot for a moment. Tough weekend.”

For a brief moment, none of them looked convinced and Mark was almost shocked that someone other than himself was noticing the slight inconsistencies in Donghyuck's behaviour. He wanted to yell, say “yes! Don’t you see? Donghyuck needs help! Help him before it’s too late!” but he didn’t.

Jaemin leaned forward, squinting like he was looking for something that was wrong with Donghyuck’s body and posture, analysing him.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked, reaching out and pulling on the hem of Donghyuck’s black shirt. It creased under his fingers and then Jaemin let go, pulling back. “You can tell us anything, you know? We’re your best friends.”

Ha, best friends. 

Donghyuck smiled, looking at his ‘best friends’ softly. They didn’t deserve his sensitivity, Mark thought.

“Of course I know. But there’s nothing to be worried about,” Donghyuck said, and waved them off like it was nothing. He sat back in his seat and reached inside his bag for food, lying back so he could rest. Everyone else just gazed at him, unsure of what to do. Donghyuck shut his eyes.

A painful tug almost pulled Mark’s heart out of his chest. His face scrunched up in a momentary slip of pain, but then he sat tall again.

He thought of an idea. 

Mark jumped in and smiled.

“Anyone bothered to go get me coffee from that new cafe down the road?” he asked, looking around with an expectant gaze.

Jaemin whined, pushing Renjun’s arm forcefully away from him. Mark watched him.

“Seriously? We just literally came from a coffee shop, you could’ve gotten a drink then.”

“Wasn’t in the mood.”

In his own world, Donghyuck had already zoned out and looked seemingly asleep. The bag of carrot sticks lay in his lap, unopened but still in his grip. Mark didn’t know if he was awake or not, and didn’t want to disturb him.

He took out his wallet and passed over a green hundred bill to Renjun, who stood closest to him. He pointed to it with a smile.

“Buy whatever you want with it, all of you.”

It did the trick and soon, all four of them had excitedly come out of their seats, grabbing their bags. Yangyang slipped the note out of Renjun’s grasp and ran ahead of the rest of them, giggling. The rest run after him, yelling at him to give it back.

Then it was left to Mark and Donghyuck for them to sit there alone, watching as the day outside got only a little bit colder and darker. 

Soon, the day would end and they’d all go home to eat dinner and do their work, then sleep. Then wake up again and repeat the same thing all over again.

Mark watched as they all ran after one another, screaming to go faster they could catch the tram on time.

He turned to Donghyuck and wondered briefly if he’d respond to Mark when he spoke.

“Donghyuck?” he whispered softly.

The bag of carrots fell out of his hand as Donghyuck shifted on the beanbag, but still he didn’t respond. He looked peaceful in that moment, a constant rise and fall in his chest as he breathed and the dust in the air settled with him.

Mark wanted to share the pain with Donghyuck, he wanted to understand him when and if Donghyuck was in pain. Mark felt the pull from his sternum. It yearned for him to get closer to Donghyuck.

There was nothing to fight. 

Mark let the invisible string bring his bean bag closer to Donghyuck’s, closing the gap between them. He stood up and shuffled closer, exhaling only when Donghyuck did. He looked out into the hall, gazing upon the empty space. Mark wondered for a moment if people were going to come through this space. He prayed no one would.

Mark closed his own eyes, feeling for the warm calluses on Donghyuck’s hand as he took it, and relaxed his body just like he did. 

He let the string pull tight and then fall loose, dipping into another world. Then he was asleep.

Finally, Mark could breathe.

♡

Sometimes, Donghyuck wondered if the world would be better if they separated the people who preferred the night time and the moon with the shiny stars from the people who liked the day and the bright sky and fiery sun.

He loved the feeling of the sun on his arms, he liked watching his freckles darken, he enjoyed the warmth of the day time. But so many things were unpredictable when the sun was out. 

No, that wasn’t true, his life was much too predictable for him to properly enjoy it.

That’s why he liked being here, sitting in the patch of silk-knot grass where the enchanted forest cleared, looking up to the night sky. 

Here, he saw the two half moons sitting next to each other, one glittering pink and the other almost pitch black.

Taking a breath in, Donghyuck brought his hands up in the air to feel the warm breeze, feeling comfortable. He could hear the animals and insects buzzing around him. 

His world was so alive.

Fireflies rose out from the trees and grass, and made stars all around him. Donghyuck sighed and watched contentedly as they dotted the sky, making little constellations he could reach out and touch if he wanted to. He could map out all the shapes and patterns here if he desired and then watch them change as they flew around.

It was lonely here, but it was okay. This way, he was away from the ugly eyes of the world, a place where no one and nothing could judge him.

The air tasted so warm and sweet when Donghyuck breathed in, an intoxicating drug that dragged him down to disguise between the grass.

The fireflies.

Fireflies that roamed the earth.

Lit up the sky.

Brought brightness to places that didn’t have it.

Luminescence to lives that sought to erase it.

Fireflies that made Donghyuck happy. Even if for a moment.

Donghyuck closed his eyes and sunk into the ground.

“Donghyuck.”

A voice called him. He recognised that voice. He thought about that voice often but he’d never meant to be in this world with him.

Because this was his space, and no one could get in.

No one could get in!

Slowly, Donghyuck lifted himself from the damp grass and saw that the fireflies had made a little clearing where Mark was walking towards him. It looked like an archway from those picturesque weddings in movies where everything was perfect, maybe it was even everything someone could ever hope for a beautiful wedding to look like.

Perhaps in another world Donghyuck would’ve wanted it too.

His breath caught as he watched Mark come closer and closer until he stood there, by the trees where they glistened. Mark could see him now, and rip him out of the dream if he wanted to. 

He wore the same clothes as before but now they glowed. Donghyuck barely could see the smile that spread across his face. The glittering trees reflected little spots of light over his cheeks and nose, like when sequins hit the sun.

“Why are you here?” Donghyuck asked, rising up until he stood too, feeling as tall as Mark looked. He wasn’t supposed to feel intimidated in here; it wasn’t allowed. Mark wasn’t allowed to be here either.

He felt the butterflies in his stomach flap cyclones, sucking him in and out. It drew Mark closer.

He shrugged, and put his hands in his pockets.

“You fell asleep, so I did too.”

“But you can’t be here.”

Mark laughed, a sweet sound that made the air even more redolent.

“Who said that?” he asked, as if he knew everything. 

Perhaps he did, Donghyuck never paid much attention to what Mark actually _did._

It angered Donghyuck.

“I said that! I said it’s not possible!” he shouted, scaring away the fireflies around him. They flew away, and suddenly, Donghyuck wanted to cry. The sound of their buzzing dimmed.

No, not the fireflies.

“Perhaps it’s magic,” Mark said and chuckled, watching Donghyuck stammer in his spot. 

A bird in the distance cawed and he knew it was a sign that somewhere, in the real world, and his real body, where Mark should’ve been, that his time was running short. 

He was waking up or something was slowly disturbing his space but Mark stood there, unbothered, acting like he didn’t know.

“The magic is the space itself,” Donghyuck rebutted, not giving up. Mark shook his head.

“The magic is here between the two of us.”

And then there he was, standing only a hair apart from Donghyuck, and his skin glowed like he was meant to be in there. Mark looked like a prince in his own world, and it baffled Donghyuck because why did it make his skin crawl so much?

Donghyuck met Mark for the first time when he was in his second last year of high school and Mark was in his last. 

He’d been the transfer student from Canada coming to find a new path, and it was so exciting for the rest of them because the stories of the mysterious new boy became endless. 

Donghyuck had never cared much, so he just stayed to himself.

Despite that, Mark tried to befriend him. That’s how his life became entangled with Mark’s.

It was kind of messy, but Donghyuck never complained much. 

His life was only a little empty when Mark graduated and left for university so Donghyuck followed him, but he didn’t care. 

No, Donghyuck didn’t care about Mark.

“There’s no magic between us,” Donghyuck told Mark. He stared into Donghyuck’s eyes and Donghyuck looked into his. 

Galaxies and stars seemed to occupy Mark’s eyes, the whole world.

“There was a time you loved me.”

Donghyuck had no future, unlike Mark. He couldn’t give him the world, or the stars.

“No, not a time.”

Mark was such a difficult puzzle piece to solve. He was that one in a thousand sky piece in a puzzle of a landscape, where it was either light blue or pitch black. He was not in between. Insignificant in the midst of all the better looking, easier solving pieces, yet without it nothing would be solved.

Mark was a puzzle piece in Donghyuck’s life that he had yet found a way to fit in, but he knew that he belonged there somewhere. It was something Mark knew too.

But also at some point, Donghyuck would get tired of trying to find a way and he’d give up. He’d leave Mark behind, just like everything else.

“I have one of these places too, you know,” Mark said so easily, looking around the forest and at the fireflies as if he wasn’t a breath away from him. It surprised Donghyuck nevertheless, like Mark probably wanted him to be.

He smiled.

“Really?” Donghyuck asked, hoping he didn’t sound too hopeful or desperate. This close to Mark, there was no way to seem indifferent.

Mark nodded. 

“It’s a city, like Melbourne but bigger. Like New York or Seoul but bigger. There are people all around me and so many signs and sounds that it just fills up my mind.”

He and Donghyuck were different, that much was clear. 

A busy city scared people like him, but to others like Mark, it was comforting.

“You like that sort of thing?” He asked.

Of course he liked that sort of thing.

Mark smiled and his teeth looked like they were string lights. He shone.

“Yeah,” he said. “Imagine it like this. Those fireflies you like? Think of the lights in the city like that. They surround me too.”

He and Donghyuck were similar, but that much had to be thought about. When it came to Mark, Donghyuck never liked to think too much. But now, with Mark here almost holding him, he did.

As he exhaled, he felt the weight of ignoring whatever it was they had for so long. He could feel his chest fall with Mark’s. It left a cavity between them, yet another wedge.

“Mark, you know I can’t do any of this, you _know_ ,” he said, trying to explain himself. Mark understood him though, like he always did. 

He nodded.

“I know.”

“And you know there’s something that’s not right with my head. I’m sick.”

With the light of a thousand fireflies, Donghyuck saw the glaze of ice that flashed through Mark’s eyes, and regretted what he said. He stood still as Mark’s arms came and settled on his arms, trying to pull him down into the ground and lower. Yet he stood still and waited for Mark to speak.

“No, Hyuck. You can’t say that because it’s not true,” Mark said, shaking his head. 

His dark hair shrouded his face, guarding his emotions. Donghyuck felt his hands twitch with the desire to just move it and see his eyes again.

He exhaled, forcing himself not to.

“But I am, Mark. I-I take everything for granted, and, and I try to be appreciative, but I can’t. I’m sick!”

“You’re not.”

An ugly sound broke out from deep within Donghyuck’s chest as his face scrunched up with pain. It grew louder and louder as the pain worsened.

He hadn’t been hit, but tears he tried to hold back were only as painful.

“But I am!” he sobbed, pounding a fist weakly into Mark’s chest. Donghyuck lost feeling in his hand.

He wanted it to fall through his ribcage and smash into his heart, breaking it into pieces. He wanted Mark to feel how he felt. 

“I want to die, don’t you get it? This world is too much for me, there’s too much and it overwhelms me. I’m not enough, I’m useless. Why do you think I have this world for myself? It’s the only thing keeping me alive.”

Mark watched him as he cried. 

He felt the tears fall onto his chest and yet he took Donghyuck into his arms and let him rest there, containing the outbursts in his body with every sob. Like this, Donghyuck couldn’t breathe, but in those few short seconds holding onto someone else, he was okay.

“You’re not alone with this,” Mark whispered into his ear, patting his hair to tame it again. 

He was soft, caring. 

Donghyuck looked up at him when his cries had slowly subsided into sniffles.

All he saw was Mark and his eyes and his pretty dark hair. He couldn’t see the dark purple sky.

“What?”

“You know I was diagnosed with OCD when I was eighteen?” Mark said, and he laughed, but Donghyuck didn’t comprehend what was so funny. “It may not seem like it, but sometimes it can get pretty bad even with the medication.”

Donghyuck scrunched up his nose, tilting his head confused.

“Isn’t OCD like feeling the obsession to always be clean or something?”

“I mean, yeah it can be for some people. But it’s not always the same thing for everyone. In fact, it’s quite different for most people diagnosed with OCD.”

All the things Donghyuck never knew about Mark, he wondered if the others knew about it too.

He frowned. 

“So it’s different for you?” He asked, still holding onto Mark. It seemed neither of them had realised. He smiled with the question, but it didn’t reach his eyes. He looked distant.

“Let’s say, I have really bad intrusive thoughts. Sometimes they separate me from real time and space, and sometimes I’ll fall into panic attacks and stuff like that.”

“That doesn’t sound nice,” Donghyuck pouted. 

He still breathed a little too harshly through his nose, but he felt the wind blow on him and around. He willed the bad feelings and dried tear stains to fall away with the breeze.

Mark shook his head. “Sometimes I feel like what you said too, you know? Like everything’s my fault and that I’m useless. The medication helps but sometimes the thoughts just eat away a little too close.”

“But it’s not your fault, it’s the disorder.”

“You don’t even know anything about my life, Donghyuck, for you to say that,” Mark laughed lightly, like a fairy. His breath tickled the hairs floating around Donghyuck’s temple, making his stomach flutter slightly at the feeling. “But you’re right, I know it isn’t my fault. Still.”

Still.

Still, sometimes we can’t control the way we feel. Even if we know, _rationally,_ that we’re not a burden to bear. Or the reason for something bad happening.

Still.

“I’m sorry,” Donghyuck said for the first time, pulling back from Mark’s embrace. 

When they faced each other directly, his face alluded to confusion. Donghyuck lifted a hand to smooth the frown down on his face. 

Against his cheek, Mark caught his hand and held it there. His stare was so intense, Donghyuck had half the heart to look away.

“What for?” he asked. 

Donghyuck bit the inside of his lip as he tried to focus on regulating his breathing. Mark’s cheek was warm against the calluses of his hand.

Donghyuck sighed. “Everything.”

“What’s everything?”

The birds cawed louder in the distance. He prayed the sound wouldn’t scare the fireflies away. The tall grass started swaying a little more, and so Donghyuck prayed the wind would stop too.

He didn’t believe in a god, so who was he praying to?

“The way I've acted towards the whole time we've known each other,” Donghyuck let out with a breath, smiling softly to Mark. “For never putting the same energy in as you, for pretending that I never cared, for ignoring you even though I knew it hurt you. For being selfish and thinking only about my own sufferings.”

The smile Mark gave him, Donghyuck could only describe it as _fond_. It changed his face and somehow, Mark became even more beautiful. It made something inside Donghyuck’s stomach flip, making him feel queasy and yet for once, he didn’t run away from it.

Mark turned his face into Donghyuck’s palm that he held firmly, and placed a fragile kiss to it, spiking his heartbeat. When he pulled back, he smiled at Donghyuck and did the same.

Fuck being alone. Destruction was from within, not outside. Mark would help Donghyuck rebuild himself every time if he allowed him to.

“I forgive you.” Mark sounded like an angel.

When they hugged this time, it felt more natural. Donghyuck felt like he belonged somewhere in Mark’s arms. Like a puzzle piece, their lives were always going to be connected. Mark may be a sky piece, but god be damned if he didn’t complete it.

The birds called again, and Donghyuck welcomed the sound. He could feel his consciousness wane. He didn’t feel Mark’s breath on his lips anymore.

Maybe Mark wasn’t the solution to his sufferings, or even the catalyst for help, but someone was _there_ for him now. Someone that knew. Donghyuck understood this.

Donghyuck’s world wasn’t fixed, but it was going to be a little less lonely now.

“It’s time to wake up.”

♡

When they woke up, Donghyuck opened his eyes to see Jaemin’s shocked face, attention focused on something between him and Mark. When he looked down, he smiled.

Mark and Donghyuck had been holding hands the entire time, fingers interlaced.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> love you all hehe xoxo


End file.
